I'm Tired Of These $$%*@%$#!*!@#**#!! Bats In My $$%*@%$#!*!@#**#!! House

They first made their presence known a week ago today.
I was stepping out into the pre-dawn gray light to go for a run and suddenly found bats swirling around my head. I figured they were here because the mosquito pickings were good. By the time I got back from my run, there was no sign of them, so I figured it was a temporary visit.
However, on Thursday around dusk, I saw them pouring out from a wall just above our master bedroom. Lots of them.
I felt terror in my heart. Why were they here? How far into the house were they? How could I get rid of them?
At dusk Sunday, I decided to take a bat census. I stood in my driveway with a neighbor and counted as they came out of the wall.
One ... Two ... ThreeFourFive ... Six ... Seven ... EightNine ... TenElevenTwelveThirteen ... Fourteen ... Fifteen ...
And on and on it went, all the way up to a terrifying 70.
Horrified and tired of slapping mosquitoes, I went back into the house, poured a glass of whiskey and sat down at the computer to do some research.
Bats are good. Bats in a house aren't so good. You can caulk up holes and crevices - and bats only need tiny ones to get in - after the flying mammals take off for their nightly feeding. However, not all of them leave, so you're supposed to build some kind of one-way bat tunnel so they can check out but not check back in.
However, this would be impossible for our bats, because they're coming out of spaces between boards all along the roof line. If not for our young kids, who might pick up a sick bat, as well as the possibility that they could get into the house, I might be tempted to leave them be.
After all, bats typically are migratory, so perhaps this colony, which showed up only a week ago, would move on in the next few days.
But they blew that opportunity this morning.
Arriving back at the house after my morning run, my wife informed me that at least two bats were flapping around our master bedroom.
Not good. How the hell do you get bats out of a house?
Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed a big plastic toy baseball bat and a couple of boxes and headed upstairs to do bat-tle.
I slowly opened the door, looked around, cautiously moved into the room and then closed the door behind me.
Then all hell broke loose.
Two bats came flying out of the master bathroom straight toward me, and I started wildly swinging.
I was going, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!"
And the bats were going, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!," too.
I scampered into the bathroom, closed the door and shoved a towel under the door. I figured they'd somehow gotten in through the master bedroom fireplace.
Now what the hell was I going to do?
I opened the door a sliver and peeked into the room, and the two bats were casually circling the room in tandem, as if they were doing some kind of bat track workout.
Luckily, there is a back way out of there, so I made my way out and into the garage, where I grabbed a ladder and headed outside.
I got onto the roof next to the master bedroom and pried open a window, hoping the bats would just fly outside.
They didn't.
The duo seemed content to continue their circling. At least they were flying instead of hiding somewhere.
So I went and got a crab net, stood outside the window and waited. Sure enough, on my first attempt, I managed to snag a bat, haul him outside and shake him free.
The second bat proved to be more elusive. He flew through the next several times before I was able to catch him, toss him and the net off the roof and close the window.
The little fellow was still snared in the net when I descended the ladder. He seemed calm and submissive. I shook him free, and he merrily flapped away.
This morning's incident gave me less fear and more respect for the little guys. They didn't seem aggressive or dangerous.
Nevertheless, they can't be flapping in and around my house, and an eviction notice - in the form of Bat Be Gone caulk - most likely will be served tonight while they're out carousing the neighborhood.